Keeperskorner Blog

Keepers have a very special 9 year old friend named Sarah. She is a very important part of the Idgyedgy system of alters. She is, also, an avid lover of butterflies. So, last autumn–when a friend of hers gave Sarah three cocoons for tending until the butterflies emerged–she was absolutely thrilled. Anyway, over the next few weeks Sarah called KEEPERSKORNER twice. Both times, she had to leave a voice mail as keepers were on the other line. Each of these two messages contained the same words. KEEPERSLADY, WE GOT A BUTTERFLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The instant keepers could get back to Sarah, we did and keepers were regaled with the story of how each of the butterflies emerged from it’s cocoon. And how the Idgyedgy system worked together to set each butterfly free. Being allowed to share the experience of birthing butterflies with our friends was one of the most awesome things keepers have ever been a part of.

However, there was one cocoon where the butterfly never emerged, which was quite distressing for all concerned. At first, everyone figured that cocoon had not worked right and there was no hope for the butterfly. But, after some researching, it was discovered that some cocoons do what is called “over wintering”. That meant there was the possibility that the third butterfly would emerge from her cocoon some time this spring. So, Idgyedgy put the plastic case that had contained all three cocoons at one point to see if, indeed, butterfly #3 was over wintering.

Needless to say, this past winter seemed like a very long time for both Idgyedgy and keepers. Checking the cocoon became a part of their morning routine and asking about the cocoon was always of high priority when keepers spoke with Sarah. There was never even the slightest change in the cocoon as the winter months came and went.

Then, the official beginning of spring came about six weeks ago. Our anticipation that the butterfly might emerge was heightened as the days grew longer and some what warmer. Day after day, Sarah was checking on the cocoon and letting keepers know that nothing at all was happening. It had been so long that keepers could tell that Sarah had lost hope of ever seeing our over wintering butterfly.

But, just two days ago, Sarah phoned keepers (this time we were able to answer). I remember giving my usual greeting THANK YOU FOR CALLING KEEPERSKORNER. HOW CAN I HELP YOU? when the voice on the other end said (excitedly) KEEPERSLADY, WE GOT A BUTTERFLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can not put into words how very awesome that moment was for us.

Apparently, Idgeedgy had gotten home from work and Sarah had gone to the storage closet on their back porch. One of her cats was fussing and trying to show Sarah that something was different. Well, Sarah turned around and saw the butterfly in the cage–fluttering its wings and trying to move about. Some time during the day, this over wintering butterfly had made its entry into the world without anyone but a kitty cat noticing. And keepers find it amazing to know that the cat could not wait to share her discovery with her owner, Sarah.

As you can tell from the above picture, the butterfly emerged with one of her wings absent. (I say her because the colors of the butterfly indicate that it was, indeed, a girl). We think this might have been caused by the length of her over wintering but there is no way to know for sure. We just know that this beautiful little creature came into this world with a handicap that made her even more special to us all.

Shortly after her discovery, Sarah took the butterfly outside to set her free. Because of her wing problem the little girl butterfly struggled to get off the ground and soar on her own. Sarah fears that she did not make it long before a bird had the butterfly for dinner. But, somehow, keepers think that this butterfly had a very special purpose and did what she was meant to do just by emerging from her cocoon.

Keepers absolutely love the story of butterfly #3 joining the world. Sarah checked her notes and it was eight long months between the birth of the second butterfly and the birth of #3. An awfully long time to wait. It is so easy to understand why Sarah and little keepers gave up hope along the way that anything would ever emerge that last cocoon. For keepers, this entire experience has been a great lesson in learning to hold on to hope no matter what because there really is no way to know what will happen five minutes from now.

After eight long months of waiting for this extra special butterfly, keepers believe even more strongly in our five minute rule–DON’T GIVE UP 5 MINUTES BEFORE YOUR MIRACLE HAPPENS!!! It seemed like forever until this butterfly emerged but she did when she was ready and not one moment before. A miracle? Keepers would say so.

Peace and Blessings,

keepers

Keepers have come to a point where our system is completely exhausted–but it is very nice feeling of being tired yet satisfied with what we have accomplished.  The only thing keepers can liken this feeling to is the one we have after we work together in a lengthy yoga practice and know that we deserve to sit and just vegetate for about fifteen minutes.  so, after our on camera interview the other day and the airing of our piece on the news that night, keepers have agreed to give ourselves some much deserved down time before we get up and get moving with our healing journey once more.

Keepers spent yesterday sitting and thinking about all that has been resolved for our system over the last few years.  We have had a lot of challenges we had to meet and we have had many situations where keepers just simply had to accept things as they are.  But, somehow, (and we truthfully have no idea how)  everything has come to conclusion in a way that leaves keepers feeling both energetic and strong as we begin a whole new phase of our healing process.  We know that no keeper will ever have to think about our former therapist again.  That is over, done with and gone from our lives–at long last.  We know, too, that keepers have, indeed, let go of our external children.  They lost a mother who loved them dearly.  Keepers only lost people who treated us very badly.  Knowing that truth has finally set us free from the agonies of our motherhood.    Our ministry here at KEEPERSKORNER is established and filled with wonderful, loving relationships so we no longer have the stress of getting our lifelong dream off the ground.  Keepers have been recognized as true artists in several major ways so none of us have the feeling that we need to prove ourselves as artists in any way any more.

What keepers know now is that we have done our standing up and speaking out.  We have done our confronting and our reporting of predators.  We have felt the force of our anger over our abusive childhood and been propelled by our other angers.  We have done our repressed memory work and cried our tears and sobbed our sobs and truly grieved the happy childhood and happy motherhood keepers never go to have.  Now, it is time for our littles to be allowed to run and laugh and play.  It is time for our teens to dance to their own music and it is time for us bigs to just simply enjoy living what we call the good life which, for us, means solely that we get to live in peace but without any sense of dullness in our day to day lives.

Right now, keepers are asking ourselves over and over again WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO US NOW?  That is a question we need to ask for a while because we see our system as being in completely uncharted waters now.  Not for even one moment of keepers lives have we been in a place where none of us have to hurt or worry about anything.  But somehow (and none of really know how) we have made it through the roughest waters possible and found ourselves facing only smooth sailing in the near future, at least.  We are not sure how keepers are going to handle this new way of living but all of us are really really looking forward to finding out how we do living in peace without dullness.

More than ever, keepers are committed to our ministry here at KEEPERSKORNER.  We see that as our life’s blood and something we could never turn away from.  But we are also fully dedicated to our lives as artists.  That is where our system gets its energy and its ability to thrive so we will spend much time painting or drawing over the span of the next several years.  Art is keepers great passion on earth and it is a passion we return to with great anticipation.  And keepers are so looking forward to the loving experiences that are coming our way.  All keepers ever wanted in life was to feel loved and to feel like our love has value to others.  In every way possible, those two things are now the truths of keepers lives.  Not with the people we expected but with some of the most magnificent human beings keepers could ever imagine.

Peace without dullness.  Love without judgment and anger.  Sounds very good to keepers.  We are looking forward to every day we are given on this earth because the best is only just beginning for us and our JM.

Peace and Blessings,

keepers

Just a few minutes ago, keepers watched our story as it was told on our local NBC newscast tonight.  I guess that, right now, keepers are very much in shock. First, because we looked just awful on camera–which is important to us since we have always been called fat and ugly.  But, also, because keepers chose to not hide our identity but to stand proud of who we are and allow our names to be used.  Making that decision was so much easier that watching it unfold before our eyes on our television set.  Still, keepers are thankful that we had the courage to see our news story through to being aired because no one should ever have to go through what keepers have gone through.

At this point, keepers have no fear of the truth.  Like we have said before, that is largely because we have absolutely nothing to lose.  The difference is that now keepers see how really free we are because nothing to lose means we can follow our own hearts and do what we believe is right under all circumstances.

Keepers are very thankful to Mike Owens (our reporter) because he treated us with both caring and respect at all times.  And he did a good job with the story.  He made it clear that our ex therapist did horrendous things and never had the courage to face the music personally.  Thank, Mike, for being so good at what you do.

It will take a while for keepers to adjust to all that happened today.  We did our interview and our story aired just a few short hours later.  The focus of our story was the our former therapist pretended to be a multiple as well.  Much was shown in the piece about keepers and our artwork.  Some of our alters were even named as keepers.  So, this has been quite a night for us.  It will take our system time to adjust and process but we will get through it and be even stronger than we have ever been before.

And so we let let it be–for now and for forever.

Peace and Blessings,

keepers

In just a few days, keepers will work together to accomplish something that none of us ever envisioned our system even attempting. (In fact, keepers have never known anyone who has ever done what we are about to do.) And–since we have known for the last month or so that this day would come about–keepers have put a whole lot of work into getting ready to do what we know is the right thing for us–which means accepting our tremendous fear and getting on with what the upcoming week will be for keepers. Part of that getting ready has been working on issues that have haunted keepers for a very long time and laying them to rest in ways we never could before. Keepers have had to do a lot of looking backward bringing a whole new understanding to areas of our lives that have been shrouded in darkness for much too long.

Keepers were diagnosed with MPD about five years before we began working with our former therapist. The therapist who diagnosed us knew nothing about MPD but did not want to refer us to someone who did. At that time, keepers wrote to several of the experts on MPD–asking for advice on what we should do in order to attain competent treatment. What we were told is that keepers needed to realize that almost every therapist dealing with a MPD patient was, probably, working with their very first case. To us, this meant there was little sense in moving on from the therapist we were already with.

It was during those five years that keepers were told that we had an oppression of some kind going on in our lives. What that oppression meant was that nothing went right for keepers and no matter how hard we tried–something was preventing our system from moving forward in any way. We were going through many periods where keepers would spiral way downward but we had no times when good things were happening for us. Once our therapist labeled the oppression that was happening to our system, many thing were tried to free keepers from this awful force in our lives. Abreactive work was tried. Behavior Modification was tried as was Biofeedback. And–at one point–quite drastic measures were attempted in an effort to free keepers from the said oppression that had been with us for as long as any of our alters could remember. Unfortunately, nothing seemed to help in any way. Basically, keepers just had to accept that our system was doomed in a way that none of us and no therapist could really explain. However, no outside person ever spoke to keepers again about the oppression this singular therapist was so convinced was going on.

Over the last 25 years, keepers have been unable to get out of our minds the concept of our system being oppressed in some way. When our JM was laid off from his job–when things went astray with our relationships–when our artwork would fall off–when money was in too short a supply for us to pay our bills–keepers would always spend time obsessing about what we had learned concerning oppression. Since, virtually, nothing positive never seemed to happen for us–we were silently becoming more and more convinced that this therapist from so many years ago must have been right. The more that went wrong, the more we bought into our belief that keepers were, indeed, suffering from some kind oppression that none of us could control.

Over the last few years, keepers have accomplished a lot that we never dreamed would be possible for us. We began our ministry at KEEPERSKORER–we started sharing our artwork with the world–we have begun to tell the story of our abuse in a very public way–we have stood up against our former therapist and reported family members who were clear cut perpetrators. As all of this unfolded, there were people telling keepers of our courage and patting us on the back for being so strong. Still, keepers did not see any of that at all. We only saw that keepers were able to do all that we had for one very simple reason–keepers had absolutely nothing left to lose by coming forward on so many counts.

Ever since keepers first began our blog, we have seen our having nothing at all to lose as a very sad thing. In fact, our system saw that as some horrible punishment for our being who and what we are. In silence, we also saw our having nothing to lose as part of the horrendous oppression that had always haunted us. For our alters, the ultimate pain was losing our external children from our lives. Our perception of that was that it had to be our fault somehow and we have carried the blame for the disintegration of our family over the span of several years now. We saw this phenomenon occurring in our lives as the ultimate oppression keepers had been warned about so many years ago.

However, keepers had an Epiphany sometime during that last month. It was a moment when our system realized that we have been given the ultimate freedom to do what we believe is right. By this, I mean that keepers know our JM will stand by us no matter what because he believes in keepers in a way no one else ever has. But, beyond him, keepers have no one at all that we have to protect as we take new risks in telling our story to the world. Keepers have not one person on this earth that we have to answer to or explain anything to. Only today are keepers beginning to really understand that what we saw as oppression has been our journey to a freedom few people get to know on this earth.

I have no way to explain what has happened to keepers over the last month or, even, how our Epiphany came about. I do know that writing this blog is that last time keepers will think in terms of our being oppressed in any way. That is not a restriction keepers are putting on our system at all. We have come to a point where keepers no longer feel that oppression existing for us. It is a part of life that was laid to rest without any conscious effort at all by keepers.

For keepers, our Epiphany came and went without our telling anyone about it. We needed time to adjust to the newness of our discovery before sharing it with even our JM. But now, keepers have adjusted. Our system feels strong enough to take on new risks and challenges. We feel spiritually alive like we never have before. But, mostly, keepers feel completely and utterly free–which is the most awesome feeling any of us have ever experienced!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Peace and Blessings,

keepers

The above picture is one that Ellen (one of our alters) has been working on for a long time.  The piece is called BULLWINKLE which is the name of the horse pictured.  He is done in watercolor and the original turned out to be 25×31.  We just thought that, since this painting turned out to be halfway decent, we would share it with our friends here on our blog.  The original, itself, is a gift for one of keepers dear cyber friends.  It was kind of funny watching our JM trying to figure out how to pack such a large and fragile item for safe shipping but, as always, he came through for KK.  After much running around purchasing shipping supplies, this piece was shipped just a couple of days ago.

Keepers are so glad to be to our art work.  That part of our lives means so much to us and we were really feeling down about the block we have been experiencing for so long now.  In  fact, Ellen first began her BULLWINKLE painting over a year ago.  The it hung on our easel for a good twelve months without really being touched.  Then, these past couple of weeks–work began on finishing the piece and getting it off to the recipient.

Keepers had begun to think that our artistic block was meant to be a permanent thing.  We almost gave up hope on our doing art work again.  But, we hung each of our five minutes and eventually whatever was blocking keepers either resolved itself or simply ran its course.  For us, this is a miracle because keepers need to paint just as much as we need to breathe.

Peace and Blessings,

keepers

Several years ago, keepers came to a point where our system, literally, felt desperate to attain some healing for ourselves.  After our bad therapeutic experience, we felt like traditional healing would do us little good so we set out on a quest to find alternative healing philosophies that might offer us hope in one way or another.  As keepers journeyed through our explorations, we found that every culture and every religion has very valuable traditions or beliefs that could aid keepers as we tried to move forward with our own unique healing.

One concept that keepers have learned to work with is something called Shempa.  From what keepers understand Shempa is our “visceral and unconcscious reaction as soon as someone does something.  Most of the time, we are not even aware of it.”   For keepers, Shempa is that gut level anger which comes more from instinct than intellect..   Our Shempa is when we suddenly feel so bad about ourselves  or when we have been triggered and feel ourselfs spiraling out of control.  Our Shempa is when we feel the desperate need to defend who and what we are.  Our Shempa is those moments when keepers feel so overwhelmed that we are on the verge of a major meltdown.  In essence, keepers have found Shempa to be those moments when we are reacting to something or someone rather than responding from a standpoint of being in control of our system.

For keepers, getting any new concept worked through our entire system and processed in a way that it becomes second nature to us is a very lengthy and painstaking process.  We have learned that new concepts only work when everyone from Maggie to our littlest alters have been exposed to it and begun to see the light in their own way.  So, keepers setting out on to work with the concept of Shempa is still an ongoing process even though we seem to grasp the concept a little better with each passing day.

When keepers first discovered the concept of Shempa, we thought about all of those moments when one of our alters had lashed out in anger or when when we felt humiliated by our son-in-law and our self-esteem took such a nose dive.  We remembered all those moments when keepers felt overcome with our own need to blame someone-anyone–for this or that going wrong.  We took time to think about how quickly and easily keepers can be triggered and (as our JM says) be off to the races with yet another abreaction to deal with.  We thought about about out loss of our external children and how many moments we experience where keepers just want to defend ourselves and prove to them that we are good people.

For keepers, all of these are extremely powerful moments our lives.  Our anger, our being triggered, our loss of self-esteem, our need to defend ourselves and our will to just give up all take on a life of their own once that switch has been flipped and this part of who we are begins to erupt.  But, in learning about Shempa, keepers have discovered that each of these reactions gets more and more powerful because keepers nourish our Shempa’s solely by buying into them.  For us, this was something we had to work on changing.

When keepers learned that these kinds of reactions are much more instinctual than intellectual, we thought our system was defeated before we began trying to control them.  Then,  keepers really felt defeated when we were told that these kinds of reactions are unconscious and something we are unaware of most of the time.  To us, it seemed a waste of time for our system to try and control something that obviously was so far beyond our awareness.  After all, living in multiplicity meant that keepers already had enough to focus on just continuing to put one foot in front of the other.  Keepers are so thankful that a friend of ours taught us the trick to working with our Shempas in a constructive manner.

In the split second before keepers are “off to the races” with our reactions instead of our responses, this old body of ours sends us a danger signal in one way or another.  For us, this signal is always very subtle and quite easy to miss.  It may be a shooting pain in our right ear that lasts only a mili second or it could be one of our toes beginning to twitch or even the muscles in our legs tightening for a second.  Little things that keepers never paid any attention to are the way this body sends us notice that we are about to buy into a Shempa.  In all honesty, it has taken keepers years to learn to recognize our physical warning signs that tell us we need to walk away in silence or veer off in a different direction in order to prevent our lashing out in anger or placing blame unjustly or just losing the self-esteem we have worked so hard to have.  It is something keepers still have work diligently to maintain in our lives and we have accepted that there will always be times when averting the “train wreck” will not be possible.  But, for the most part, working with that physical signal that a Shempa has been triggered has made a huge difference for keepers.

One of the questions keepers had–when we were learning about Shempas–was what to do with the energy from the explosion or downward spiral that we managed to avert.  We needed to know this because feeling anger or being triggered always seems to create a huge force of negative energy within our system.  We knew something had to be done to release all of that energy or what had been averted by our physical danger signal would surely come out in an inappropriate way at a very inappropriate time.

What keepers were told was to simply release that negative energy back to the universe.  For us, this was much easier said than done.  Saying out loud that keepers release our anger or hurt or whatever back to the universe did us very little good.  But, we did find that five minutes of yoga can release that energy for us.  Or, screaming into a pillow can release it as well.  Or a punching bag is excellent for releasing all of that negative energy.  Even sketching or journaling can bring keepers back to a place where we are responding instead of reacting.  For us, it works and it is so much better than the way things used to be in our lives.

Another issue keepers had to look at was, if we are not reacting in the moment–are keepers avoiding dealing with certain situations.  The answer we found was that keepers do deal with the situations but after we have come back to a place where our mind and heart can respond instead our instincts taking over.  To us, knowing this was a huge relief because avoiding the issues is something that has proven to never work for our system of alters.

The way keepers grew up and our experience with our former therapist have left keepers with major trust issues in dealing with people out there in the real world.  This puts us in a situation where we feel more vulnerable than most others.  It also keeps our instincts on heightened alert to protect keepers from ever more hurt or betrayal.  So, it is important for our system to have unity between mind, body and spirit.  That way, we can take note of our physical danger signals and do what we need to do for our system to stay on track.  For us, that is a good thing.

Keepers are determined to live out our lives with as much peace and tranquility as possible.  Our having learned about Shempas and how they work in our system has been a huge step in keepers feeling more peaceful and more in control of keepers.

Peace and Blessings,

keepers

Keepers have just heard from JIP.  She has asked for prayers to begin being said for her and her system as they fight, once again, for their safety.  To be honest, their safety is seriously compromised right now and they need all the prayers we can get going.  They will the prayers to continue for a while.  Thanks so much for being such caring people and for praying for our dear friends, the JIP system.

Peace and Blessings,

keepers

***THE ARE NO HOPELESS SITUATIONS. THERE ARE ONLY PEOPLE WHO HAVE GROWN HOPELESS ABOUT THEIR SITUATION***  Author Unknown

Keepers have two shortcomings that have always made life very difficult for our system.  First, we have always been very poor problem solvers.  Second, keepers have always been very bad at making decisions.  Through our reading and talking with others, we have discovered that these are lessons we should have learned as we were growing up.  Somehow, they are lessons that completely escaped our system during the time when learning them would have felt natural for us.  Looking back, I am able to track how our mother and father never gave one of their children the opportunity to make our own decisions.  And, when it came to problems, it was easier for our parents to teach us how hopeless things were than to show us how to take the time to find constructive and effective answers to problems as they presented themselves.  In today, I truly believe that these two unlearned lessons affect how keepers see everything in life.

The quote at the top of this blog is one that keepers have to read each and every day to keep the concept strong within our value system.  We have to remember that the situation is never where the hopelessness lies.  That hopelessness can only exist and thrive through keepers attitude toward a given situation or problem.  Only by our seeing something as hopeless does that become the reality keepers must deal with.  It is one of those concepts that keepers get into our thick skulls only to lose our grasp on its wisdom from time to time.

Keepers came into adulthood facing this problem or that one while our system had absolutely no skills for finding answers to any given problem.  So, what we did was allow our JM or anyone else to make a decision which keepers would do our best to follow to the letter.  Unfortunately, there were several problems in our coping this way.  Even our JM approached life from a very different perspective than keepers do so his solutions–though they worked well for him–tended to throw our system way off and making things worse instead of better.  Then, keepers would be upset and frustrated with him because we thought he had given us bad advice.  We were not seeing why his advice failed to work for us.  We only saw that it didn’t and felt angry about that.

It took an awfully long time but keepers, finally, came to a place where we knew that our system had to learn how to problem solve and make decisions on our own.  For us, this was about as scarey as anything could ever be.  Keepers had never learned to trust our own instincts and to see our own mind as a well working machine which made us very short in confidence department when we set out to learn how to solve our own problems and see hope in every single situation.

Our learning to problem solve was also very frightening for us because the people we knew always thought keepers should choose more traditional ways of dealing with issues or problems that came up.  Many people have the tendency to pretend events never happened (in order to keep peace) which was something keepers found ourselves unable to do because it was just too triggering for us.  Others we knew responded to problems by exhibiting things like road rage which was not the answer for keepers either because that kind of anger never seems to resolve anything for us.  Still others would tell keepers to just respond in the moment and let whatever happens happen.  Again, this was not the answer for our system because keepers need time to think and evaluate before making decisions that affect people’s lives.

In today, keepers have learned that there really is no problem that has no answer.  For us, it takes time and a lot of work to come up with the answer that is right for our system.  But, we have established a problem solving system that enables us to make our own decisions and come up with solutions that are effective and constructive (though not always popular.

Brainstorming has become an important part of keeper’s lives.  It is our way of gaining input from those we trust and care about.  We brainstorm with our JM on a regular basis.  Our monthly visits with our dear friend, Pastor Brown, always turn out to be nothing more than marathon brainstorming sessions.  Our lunches with our friend, J., are a weekly brainstorming exercise that always keeps our system on its toes.  Keepers are good listeners and we have become good at sorting out the opinions of others and customizing their advice to fit our situation.

Another problem keepers have faced is that we always feel like keepers are the only ones who have ever faced this problem or that situation.  So, we have learned to research and see if others dealt with similar situations.  What we find is that keepers are never the only ones dealing with any given problem and others have come up with answers that we would have never thought of.  It helps keepers both to know that we are not alone and to know that there are solutions for us to try that never even entered our minds.

Keepers have also learned that no keepers should ever make a decision on his/her own.  Whatever problems we face have a way of affecting all in our system which means every keepers needs to have a voice in solving our problems.  This is not easy for us to do but making sure every voice is heard has made life much more peaceful and productive for keepers.

They say that there is no problem that has no answer.  Keepers have discovered the to be an axiom as our system has learned to problem solve and make decisions in ways none of us ever thought possible.

peace and blessings,

keepers

Beautiful Dreamer has tagged us to do the following:

1) Write your own six word memoir
2) Post it on your blog; include a visual illustration if you’d like
3) Link to the person that tagged you in your post, and to the original post if possible
4) Tag at least five more blogs with links
5) Leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play!

 Beauty was right, anyone who thinks this exercise is simple, think again. We thought about this for a while and eventually came up with this, kind of a memoir, or a 6 word recap of what our life has been like:

We survived. We adapted. We overcame.

 And now we are tagging these friends who we hope will enjoy this also!

Kat
Elvina

She

Silvery Lizard

Wolfbaby

We hope no one feels pressured to play along but if you want to we would enjoy it.  Wishing a wonderful weekend to everyone!

keepers

Over the last week or so, keepers have spoken to many people who really just want to end it all. Each individual (or system) has very valid reasons for feeling the way he/she does. But, when all is said and done, the reason that comes across clearest for wanting to just d*e is that old familiar feeling of having no one who understands, much less cares. That awful sense of aloneness which seems to haunt survivors from all across the world. Each and every day, keepers hear time and time again that if this person or that system only had someone who would listen without judgment (even when the words fail to fit together in logical sequence)–things would be so much better because that isolation from the rest of the world would, somehow, be broken. When keepers hear these words from people we have come to care so much about–we long to have some wise words to take away the pain of our friends. But, the truth is, that–in those moments–all keepers can manage to get out of our mouths is that each person is not alone and that life will get better somewhere along the line. Still, we know that there is so much more we need to say which is why we have chosen to write this blog.

To be completely honest, keepers are living each and every day with the feeling that our system has absolutely no reason to go on living. Our abusive childhood left us with a shattered mind that makes people think we have no smarts or common sense at all. Our motherhood left us with shattered hearts-pieces of which seem scattered every where . Our therapeutic life is dead and buried under the rubble of the State Licensing Board deciding that our former therapists career was worth more than keeper’s very lives. On top of that, our cyber attacker last spring knew keepers well enough to know how to cut us to the quick and damage our system permanently by their innuendos and threats.

In essence, life here at KEEPERSKORNER is just as lonely as the lives of our friends. Our precious JM works and is gone from here 45 hours a week–each and every week. No one ever knocks at our door to have a cup of coffee or for any other reason. Our toll free number (1.888.752.9070) is busy much of the time but our personal phone rings hardly at all and never with someone asking “how are keepers today?” Keepers do our work on the computer every day–but different than before because we always log on fearing what we might fight coming at us from cyber space in terms of being harassed again.

For keepers, there is nothing left we can do to change our circumstances. We have done all we can to change our system so that loved ones would find us acceptable human beings. We have laid to rest so many of our shortcomings in the hopes that loved ones would begin to believe in keepers the way we always believed in them. Physically, keepers have taken control and transformed this old body. Mentally, keepers have taken control and brought our alters to a place where we work together like a well oiled machine with a purpose. Emotionally, keepers have taken control by learning to follow appropriate procedure in speaking out or standing up for ourselves. Still, with all of our success in spending years transforming who and what keepers are–aloneness is the crux of what we have each and every day of our lives.

So, keepers wake up each morning and move through each day knowing–full well–that we have no reason to go on living. Still, keepers no longer have those moments when we look at a bottle of Southern Comfort and think of how alcohol poisoning could be our answer. We no longer have those times when we pick up a bottle of pills with the intent of taking each and every one. Truth be told, that was the keepers of years ago but people we chose to not be ever again. Somewhere along the line, keepers made a commitment to life and to going on in spite of what may happen.

Keepers often sit here and think that there must be some profound reason why we are still alive. We know it was, indeed, a choice we made but our reasonings must, surely, be complicated and full of the wisdom of the ages. Keepers astound ourselves when we realize that the reasons we choose to live, no matter what, are as simple as can be–without much depth to them at all.

One of the reasons keepers will always choose to live is that we have experienced, first hand, the horrendous pain of a family member committing suicide. JM and keepers were in our early twenties when his mother chose to end her life. She, too, was an abuse survivor who felt she had no other option in this world. Unfortunately, her choice left behind only pain and guilt for those who loved this woman. From her husband to her son to her daughter-in-law, the emotional agony of her choice went on for years and years. As keepers came face to face with the tortures of family members having to deal with this kind of death, our system vowed that (no matter what) we would never ever cause our loved ones that kind of pain. So, our choice for life was, actually, made long before our struggle for life ever really got off the ground as our own abusive childhood unfolded and other life struggles came in to play.

When keepers found our five minute rule (some years ago), we found another reason to be committed to life on this earth. As certain as keepers may be that nothing good will ever come our way again, the bottom line is that there is no way for us to know that with any certainty. I can not say what will happen in keepers lives five minutes from now and that gives us every reason to go on living. Five minutes from now may be the moment when one of our daughter’s knocks on our door and reaches out her arms to her mother. We want to still be here when that happens. Five minutes from now the reporter may call and say he is ready to take our story on air. Keepers so much want to be here for that. Five minutes from now our JM may get up from his computer and come over to ours to put his arms around us and whisper in our ear how much he loves keepers. We would not want to miss that for anything in the world.

But, the most important reason why keepers choose to go on living has nothing to do with anything outside of our system. We choose to go on living because we have only just learned how to breathe the way we should and doing that feels so incredibly wonderful that our system does not want to miss even one God given breath. For us, there is no experience on earth as magnificent as the feeling of breathing freely and deeply. There is not one other experience as empowering as the sense that we took our lifelong panic breathing and turned it into normal breathing all by ourselves. Keepers continue to live because our system longs to experience this new found phenomenon we call breathing.

The truth is that keepers have lost all fear of death. We see it as part of the life cycle and something that will come to us when the time is right. We, also, see death as a choice that we have absolutely no right to make for ourselves. Life, however, is something keepers have every right to choose with each moment that comes and goes.

So, those are the reasons why keepers are still alive today and will still be alive tomorrow and the next day and the next day and so on and so on and so on……………………………..

Peace and Blessings,

keepers