Keeperskorner Blog

Over the last few years, July has become a month of huge change in the lives of keepers.  In July, 2006–JM and keepers were lunching with the man we see as our spiritual guide when he looked up at keepers and said “Turn your website into a ministry and focus your life on that.  God will take care of everything else.”  Needless to say, that day has already gone down in our personal history as truly life transforming.  Then, there was last year.  When the fourth rolled around for us, JM and keepers had (only a couple of days before) made our way to our local police station with emails from our cyber attacker in hand.  That, too, was a life transforming experience for keepers.  In all honesty, keepers can not say that the changes brought about during July for us have been easy for us to deal with.  However, keepers can say that learning the lessons we have learned and understanding ourselves a little better than we had has made all of the difficulties and pain so worth it.

Now, July 2008 has (already) turned out to be the period of time when keepers have come to life in so many ways.  Our weekend with JM has been one of the best ever.  We have gotten quite a few outdoor chores accomplished.  Other than that, we have just kind of hung out and enjoyed the nice weather.  We did, however, go out last night and enjoy watching two major fire works displays that were going on simultaneously.  Leave it to our JM to find a spot where we could see both shows without any problems.

Now, keepers are looking at our upcoming week and we are soooooo excited about all that we will be doing.  One day JM and keepers will drive to another state and spend the afternoon with one of JM’s good friends from work.  Keepers have met this lady and enjoyed our first afternoon together a couple of years ago.  So, we will be meeting about noon in a restaurant and we will see what the day holds from there.  Then, another day, keepers will spend time with our neighbor for our weekly coffee clotch (if she has her air conditioner on).  Plus, on yet another day, keepers have plans to meet with an artist friend and head to our Botanical Gardens where we will picnic and then spend the afternoon painting our individual perceptions of our surroundings.  And, then, on another day–JM and keepers will travel to another city to lunch with our spiritual counsel again which always turns out to be a day long journey since our conversations with him always manage to stretch on for hours.

The truth is that something is so very different for all keepers this year.  We have spent the last two years waiting for God to “take care of the rest” while keepers were putting our hearts into our ministry.  However, in retrospect, keepers see that we began this part of our healing journey making one gigantic mistake that was preventing keepers from really and truly moving forward.  As keepers left the restaurant that afternoon two full years ago, we were committed to doing our ministry and trusting God with everything else in our lives.  Our big mistake was that keepers put huge expectations on how and when God would come through for us.

Keepers set out to do our ministry believing that God would take care of everything else for us.  To keepers, that meant God would heal our motherhood and God would give us the gift of our grandmotherhood.  It also meant that God would make sure everything went the way keepers thought it should in terms of our former therapist.  And God would, surely, bless keepers as artists because that has always been our passion and we just knew that our Divine Father would understand and do just what we wanted with our artistic dreams.  In essence, keepers walked of that luncheon two years ago with clear cut expectations of how and when God would come through for us.

Then, last year, when keepers walked out of the police station after reporting our cyber attacker, we had clear cut expectations of how God would help us with all that we were feeling and with how our lives would change because of this person.  We all remember our internal dialog that was focused totally on figuring out how God was going to make our lives better because of what had happened to us in cyber space.

I think that keepers are amazed right now because none of us even saw the expectations we were putting on God as He “took care of everything else for keepers.”  Our system had that help so well defined in our mind that we left very little room for God to really do His work in our lives.  In fact, keepers have gone through so much of the last two years feeling betrayed and abandoned by God because the changes we thought we would be given were just not happening.  Things were not working out as keepers expected which, surely, meant that God was NOT “taking care of the rest” for us as we had been promised He would do.

These last few weeks have been about keepers completely letting go of our expectations of how God is “taking care of the rest”.  We have still worked hard on our ministry here at KK because keepers have grown to love that work so much.  But keepers have learned to stop ourselves from hoping for this to happen or expecting that to work out in a certain way.   It has been far from easy for keepers to let go of our expectations but it was necessary because keepers reached a point where we all knew that God was not on the same page as keepers in how things should turn out for us.

The truth is that God has been hard at work helping keepers over the last couple of years.  There are two precious little girls that keepers get to shop for and hear over the phone and even see pictures of now and then.  One–the oldest little girl–even mails keepers lady her drawings when her mama lets her.  It was only when keepers let go of our expectations that we could see and truly appreciate all of the joy these two little girls are bringing in to keeper’s lives.  Keepers were missing the fact that knowing these two little girls and getting to do for them was God’s gift to us at a time when we needed that so very badly.

And keepers have a cyber daughter who means the world to us.  We also know many other young women who have captured our hearts and make keepers so happy just by being in our lives.  In fact, keepers are actually getting those phone calls we always dreamed of receiving from two other young women.  It means so much to answer the phone and hear good news followed by the words “I wanted keepers to be the first to know.”  And, it means just as much to get those calls where the young woman on the other end of the line is saying “I just needed to call and hear your voice” during times of pain or dissapointment in their lives.  More and more, these call are not the rarity but a daily part of keepers lives which is something keepers failed to notice as long as we clung to our expectations of how things would work out for us.

Keepers now know many woman who are just about our age–some through cyber space and some in our actual world.  EAch one of these women has become a sister of ours–one who lives in our heart and enriches our lives in so many ways.  These women are the sisters that keepers never had but always wanted.  These are the women who make up family for keepers each and every day now.

For keepers, the truth is that God has been actively at work in our lives for a long time now.  God has answered every single prayer that keepers have said.  But God’s Divine Wisdom saw that keepers expectations were not what would have been best for us so He set about “taking care of everything else” and left keepers to struggle with our expectations up until that moment when our eyes would open and our system would see that God really does work behind the scenes.  God truly has been giving keepers everything we dreamed of.  But God has been giving it to us His Way and according to His Calendar without regard to keepers expectations.  What an amazing feeling it is to finally understand what our spiritual guide really meant when he told keepers to focus on our ministry and let God take care of the rest.

Keepers know and understand that this blog has a very PollyAnna quality to it.  The truth is that keepers have not found a magic wand or even found short cuts to our understanding.  Instead, keepers have had to work very hard and struggle to really “GET” how things are working in our lives.  But, keepers now live every single day feeling the love we always needed and wanted.  We feel loved by so many others and keepers feel like the love we have to give finally has value on this earth.

To all keepers, that is true happiness.  And we only found it by letting go of our human expectations so that God could do what God does best.  July,2008 will go down in keepers personal history as the July when keepers finally came to life.

Peace and Blessings,

keepers

Little Keepers keep punching and gluing and the bigger keepers have to use it and be creative so here are some more results of our summer project. As always if you see anything you like and want to request it just go to the Contact Us tab and send in your request.   There is absolutely no charge to you because our ministry sees our artwork as gifts to those who would like to own this print or that one. We will try to have it on it’s way within a week or so.

Recently, keepers have come to realize that we our system truly has survived our empty nest years and moved on to the next (and seemingly the best) phase of our lives.  In fact, we are now finding much of what we have been told about this time in our lives to be true.  WE thought our lives were over as each of our external children moved out and turned away from us.  It has taken years for keepers to understand that what we saw as the end was really just a bend in the road.  It is only now–after so much time lost to our empty nest grieving–that keepers are up and moving and living the well rounded life that we always dreamed of.  I can not put into words how good it feels for keepers to be doing all that we are doing these days.

Keepers once knew a minister that would look us dead in the eye and say “Keepers are a beautiful diamond with many aspects.”  She was saying this to us at a time when we had not yet found our own way in the world so our system could only reject her words.  After all, keepers saw ourselves as nothing more than a lump of coal that was constantly under unbearable pressure.  Knowing nothing about mining, keepers had no idea that the incredible pressure was what would someday cause us to step out into the world feeling like that diamond with many aspects instead of what we had always been.

Keepers have always heard that “life begins at 40″.   For us, it was quite a bit past that milestone in our lives when keepers finally began to really live.  We had always been experts at living with one foot in the past and one foot in the present.  IN order for keepers to find that “life begins at..” point for our system, we had to deal with unresolved issues and finish up old commitments and, most importantly, come to grips with our feelings on many things before we could reach a point where our system could successfully bring both feet into the present so that our lives could truly begin.  As they say, better late than never!!!!!

Not only is there life after estrogen.  Not only is there life after the empty nest.  But, there is also life beyond an abusive childhood and there is life beyond the worst of therapeutic situations.  Not only is it a life sooooooooooooo worth living but it is a life where keepers are learning that we have no need to look back on what has been any more.  We only need to deal with each day as it comes along and let it go when the day is done–confident that all keepers have done our best and deserve to be really, truly happy in today.

Peace and Blessings,

keepers

Our Dearest JM,

Just the other day–you and keepers had a squabble.  We do not consider it an argument because the emotions were fleeting and quickly gotten over.  However, during our disagreement, you made mention of the email you had sent us a few weeks ago–the one that apologized for what you see as your shortcomings in how you used to relate with keepers.  It was obvious that we had hurt you by not responding to what you had to say to us through our inbox.  Keepers know that you might be upset with us for responding now and on our blog but what keepers have to say is something that we want as public as everything else about our lives has become.

Keepers did not reply to that email for only one reason-none of us can imagine why you would feel guilty about anything in our lives together.  You have been the very best husband any man could ever be and you are absolutely the perfect life partner for keepers.  Any marriage that has lasted as long as ours and has endured all that we have had to survive together is going to have times when one of us falls short of the others expectations.  In no way does that mean you have ever let keepers down.  What it means is that we have been together so long that there are times when we take each other for granted and or our expectations of each other go beyond what is reasonable to even ask of another human being.

38 years ago, you came into our marriage believing you had wed one person.  I love the way you tell the story of how Beth let you know there were many more people than that in here just a couple of weeks after the wedding.  But you took it in stride and continued to be the man we fell in love with.  As our diagnosis came down and we discovered how little knowledge of multiplicity there was on this earth–you set about writing letters to the experts associated with the (then) International Society for the Study of Multiple Personality Disorder.  You not only stood by keepers but set about to educate yourself on what multiplicity really meant and how you could help us.  Keepers have known very few men in our lives who have the strength of character you have always shown both within our marriage and with the world at large.

Keepers look back at the years we were with our former therapist and how emotionally crippled and completely nonfunctional our system was during that time.  Whenever needed you stepped up to the plate and did what needed to be done without complaining or acting like a martyr.

And when you were laid off through downsizing, you carried two jobs to make sure our bills were paid and we had food on the table.  You made sure the kids had what they needed during that time as well.  You took good care of us all during that time.  Admiral and Munchkin and Beemer may complain about those years but they should remember how much you did for them and how you did not fall short on your fatherly duties at all.  Keepers could not have had a better mate to bear our children with.  Someday, the three of them will manage to remember what an amazing father you have always been to them and reach out to you with the love and respect you have always deserved.

A therapist once told me that your eyes literally light up when you speak of keepers or our external children.  Marigene has told me many times that she sees nothing but love in your eyes when you are dealing with keepers or the kids.  What an awesome thing it is for keepers to know we have a husband who loves with all of his heart and always–but always–does his very best.  If keepers have one great blessing in our lives–it truly is you,  our beloved JM.

Then, when our family disintegrated, you made sure our marriage survived even that.  You stayed close to keepers and helped us establish a whole new life.  You stood by us and even took over for us at times in our complaint against our former therapist.  You have dedicated your life to our ministry here at KK without question or complaints.  The money you bring home funds KK almost completely.  Never once in the last two years have you even hinted that you were sorry that we started our ministry or that is has continued almost solely off of what you bring in.  KK was keepers dream but you have given your all to it as well.  Keepers doubt that there are many other husbands who would do that for their wives and for the people who suffer with the same disorder we do.

Keepers may get frustrated when you are too preoccupied to hear us.  We may feel hurt by some of the things you say without thinking.  But, when all is said and done, keepers are very thankful for you and for our marriage.  The things that flare up between us are little issues that come with living every day life together the way have for so many years.  They do no permanent harm between us because we always care enough about each other to still be there when emotions settle down so that we can work out our differences and get on with the business of living happily together.

JM–you are the best.  Keepers fully believe that.  We know that you would walk through fire for any keeper and for our external children when it might be necessary.  Heck, you have done it time and time again both as a husband and as a father.  What a blessing you are, JM.  Please don’t ever forget that.

All our love,

keepers

Keepers have been busy outside at the new table, sitting in the sun and creating new pictures and strips suitable for framing. As always if you would like a print of any of these just use the Contact Us tab to send in your request.

peace and blessings

keepers

According to the weather man, we are going to have four full days of cooler temperatures and sunny skies.  Keepers are so excited because there is no rain in our forecast until the end of this week.  That means keepers will be moving our art supplies outside each day and sitting at our easel while enjoying cool breezes and true light for our color perceptions.  For our system of alters, this is a what we have been waiting for over the last few months.  A chance to feel renewed as artists and to really get into the mode of doing what we see as our favorite form of relaxation.  Finally, it feels like keepers are back on track and getting on with life the way we were meant to do.

Art work has been very difficult for keepers over the last year and a half.  We have struggled hard to do even the simplest piece in a way where we could take pride in our work.  We know that it is not anything someone else would notice or care about but when keepers turn away from our artwork or our writing for an extended period of time–it means that something important within us has shut down and turned away from our own personal healing process.  But, keepers are always painfully aware when we go through shut downs such as these because we can feel so much pressure building up inside.  Not the kind of pressure that comes from unexpressed anger or hurt but the type of pressure that comes from feeling like we have so much to say and are consistently managing to not say it.

When it comes to using words–either on our blog or in conversation–keepers do not tell stories very well at all.  But several art experts have told keepers that each piece our alters do manages to tell a story in great detail.  Keepers figure that something about this statement must be true because we feel as if our story has been told–if not verbally then through the pieces that we all do.  In fact, keepers feel a great deal of satisfaction in how our story has unfolded through our years of painting and drawing.

Keepers have spent much of the last eighteen months trying to analyze and understand why our art work went into such complete dormancy.  The only thing any of us really figured out is that this is something we are not meant to understand–only to accept and have faith that these last months have been a time of change and growth for keepers.  But, right now, keepers are just thankful that our desires to paint and draw have, once again, come alive and brought us back to where we belong–which has always been at our easel.

For us, painting outdoors is such a different experience than the work we do in our studio.  The sun light offers a perspective that we can not grasp from in doors.  Our depth perceptions are so much better with the natural light of a sun shiney day.  And colors interplay so much more accurately when we work outside.  Plus the surrounding foliage and critters always seem to give us inspiration that keepers tend to miss when walls separate us from such surroundings.

When keepers were quite young, our Nana had a screened in porch.  Our favorite thing was to take our colors and paper out there and sit on the floor drawing the hours away while our Nana was fast asleep in her lounge–right there next to us.  That was always such a special thing for us that we brought into adulthood a dream of having our own screened in porch that we could use for painting and drawing whenever the mood struck this keeper or that one.  Presently, the screened in porch remains a dream yet to  come true.  But, keepers have faith that, one day, we will be find ourselves sitting out there on our very own screened in porch–painting the hours away just as we once colored the hours away.  Someday, this will be a dream that did come true and brought keepers a happiness that is very special in its own way.  Some day.

Well, four sun shiney days feels like a very short time to us.  Keepers want to get out there and begin working with all the new things we have learned about art over this last year.  All of us are hoping that this time of dormancy is over for us and that something new and positive will be reflected in our pieces because we have gone through such a long and arduous period of artistic block.

Keepers really hope that the weather is good where you are and that you, too, can get outside and do whatever it is you love doing most.  We will be thinking of our blogging friends as we sit in the sunshine and put brush to paper for the first time in a really long time.

Peace and Blessings,

keepers

One of our cyber friends, Wolfbaby, has posted her term paper for her English class.  We are going to put a link to it a little further down because we feel she did a wonderful paper that presented some compelling thoughts about the misuse of statistics and how statistics can be used to distort facts.

Click on here to read Wolfbaby’s paper.

Thank you for sharing and for letting us link to your site Wolfbaby.

Peace and blessings

Keepers

Early this morning, keepers wandered next door to C.’s house so that we could have our weekly coffee clotch together.  It turned out that we were over there longer than usual because because the conversation seemed to be on a roll and keepers did not want to be the ones to end it by saying it was time for us to head back home.  Instead, we sat and listened as we usually do with C.  In all honesty, keepers were have difficult moments as C. was regaling keepers with antics of some family member that we no longer see.  For us, it always feels odd for her to know more about what is going on in our family than we do.  But it, also, makes perfect sense because her daughter once worked with one of our family members.  Even though the daughter is retired now she hears stories from still working friends and, occasionally, revisits her old work place where–chances are–she will encounter this family member of keepers and JM.  Listening to the tales of our family is important to keepers because it is all we have to maintain some knowledge of how some very dearly loved people are doing.  So, keepers try to listen and smile without giving much input to the conversation.  This morning, however, keepers know we said more than we should have about our experiences with this family member.  It does help keepers, though, to know that neighbors and coworker all see this family member in much the same light that keepers do.  For us, that validates a reality keepers need to be able to trust–which is very important to us.

Somewhere along the way, though, our conversation turned back to C.’s life with her (now deceased husband) and all the good times they shared over the many years of their relationship.  She was sharing with keepers how they used to meet with friends in local clubs or bars for evenings of just plain having fun together.  Keepers can always tell that those were very happy times for C. because her eyes brighten and she smiles or laughs a great deal when talking about those years gone by in her life.  At least three times in our conversation this morning, C. said to me “Those were the good old days!” as she would end one story and move on to another.  Keepers just sat there listening and smiling.  Occasionally, however, we would ask a question about the story being related to us.

After keepers returned home from our weekly coffee clotch with C., our internal dialog began to be about whether keepers have a time in our lives that we would label “The good old days” in any way.  To us that term implies a special time in life when everything is going well and having fun seems to be the norm.  Defining it that way made it very difficult for any keeper to come up with a period of time that could be called “The good old days” for us.  The only period of time that ever came close to that was when keepers were in our childbearing years and the family we would raise was being formed.  It was not, necessarily, a fun time for keepers because those years were tumultuous for us, to say the least.   Still, those years were the closest keepers could come to a time when we would have labeled them “The good old days.”

In today, keepers are doing very well and are becoming more and more active with various projects that have come our way.  Basically, we are much much happier than keepers have ever been before.  It is true that grieving huge losses in our lives continues to be a reality for our system.  But, it is also true that keepers have learned to accept that grief and get on with the business of experiencing life like we never could before.  All keepers are much happier now that we associate with people who see our alters in a more positive and accepting light.  For the first time ever, keepers feel more able to join in a conversation or joke around or, even, laugh right out loud which has both strengthened our spirits and enriched our desire to be a part of the world out there.  This is the time in our lives when keepers balance our darkest days with days spent having fun or sharing with someone we care about.  This is the time in our life when all keepers get to enjoy our relationships with our JM and some of us get to relish in relationships that bring us joy instead of grief.  This is also the time in our lives when our little keepers can happily twirl in the street at midnight without embarrassing our companions.  This is also the time in our lives when keepers are physically pain free and more energetic than we ever thought possible.  And this is the time in our lives when keepers get to write our blog–paint our pictures–kick back and relax in a mindful and present state where worry is no longer our controlling factor.

There is never really any way to predict the future so keepers have no way of knowing if this era of our lives will someday be the one where our system looks back and thinks “Those were the good old days.”  But, to us, it certainly seems possible that twenty years from now we will look back and remember all the good things life gave us in 2008.  Who knows, maybe we will be the old lady chatting the hours away with a younger friend and saying over and over again “Those were the good old days” when we think back on the time in our life when we recognized ourselves as artists and honored others through our ministry and rejoiced in our marriage and just plain had fun being with people who found some value in this system of alters known as keepers.

Right now, keepers look back and can not remember a time we would label “The good old days.”  But things have changed for keepers and we are thriving in so many ways we never dreamed.  Hopefully, in ten or twenty years, keepers will look back and remember this time of our lives as “the good old days”.  I certainly hope so.

Peace and Blessings,

keepers

Tonight Keepers are asking that our blog friends please pray for idgyedgy who’s entire system is very special to keepers. Tomorrow they are facing a doctors appointment that is already proving to be very frightening to them. They feel all alone and like no one understands.  We do not know yet the severity of the medical problem.  However Keepers know what a triggering experience this is for them.  Keepers are praying that the appointment go well and the problem be easily resolved.  We are also praying that idgyedgy know in their hearts that keepers are thinking of them and believing in their strength to get through this.  Over the next 24 hours please pray for idgyedgy and hold them in your hearts.

peace and blessings

Keepers

Several years ago, keepers were very attuned to listening–carefully but silently–when our JM spoke of keepers to anyone else. One thing he so often said to others was “Keepers just can not catch a break in this world.” Everyone in our system always felt bad when we heard him utter those words because we knew how much it broke his heart that things always seemed to go wrong for keepers. Still, keepers had to admit that our JMs words were right on target and–even worse–that our system had, virtually, no hope of that ever getting better for us.

One of the hardest things keepers have ever had to deal with was understanding the harm we were doing to ourselves by believing what we accepted as truth about who and what keepers were. Keepers grew up being told in every way possible that we were bad. Somehow, we never questioned that. We all too readily took on the role of being the bad ones–no matter what it was that happened to be unfolding at any given time. As many keepers came into adulthood, we brought with us the vision of ourselves we had been given all of our lives. Whatever it was–keepers found ourselves crumpling under our own pain and blaming ourselves for each and every downfall. We kept on allowing others to put us in no win situations and then beat up on ourselves for always coming out the loser. We told ourselves that our spinal injury happened to us because we were bad. We told ourselves that we were facing cervical cancer because that was what we deserved. We convinced ourselves that our facing breast cancer was our just dues for having been so bad all of our lives.

For years and years, our JM continually told keepers that we were good and that we deserved so much better than we were getting in life. We even had a therapist or two who praised keepers instead of always putting us down. And, from time to time, someone would come into our lives who believed in keepers and supported us in so many ways. But keepers could hear none of the positive things being said and we could see none of the supporting behaviors of others. There was only one reason that keepers failed to hear or see the more positive side of life for us–we were not ready to hear or see anything other than what we had always known. Keepers were still way too deep into seeing ourselves as bad and undeserving for anyone to break through our walls of self-hatred.

I can not say when or how keepers came to realize it but, somewhere along the way, we began to understand that our self-hatred and undeserving attitudes had become a defense mechanism that did little more than keep our system safe from being hurt any more. Keepers knew how to survive within the realm of dealing with one disaster after another. That was what life had always been for us and believing it was what we deserved gave keepers the perfect excuse to not stand up and fight for something better. Our constant role as scapegoat for so many actually made our relationships easier because keepers knew how to be that in spite of the fact that it kept us on a continual downward spiral. Believing that God hated keepers and was punishing us in so many ways became the perfect excuse for keepers to avoid our becoming spiritually alive. For keepers, it was true that we felt miserable having to accept that we deserved no better. It took keepers a very long time to understand how badly we were harming ourselves by continuing to believe what we had always been taught about ourselves.

At some unrecognized point in time, there was a shift in keepers–a moment when our system was really ready to take a look at who we are and lay to rest all of the negative messages and unhealthy lessons that kept us in the same undeserving place for most of our lives. That was when keepers began the process of learning to unlearn–a long and slow evolution that we will never fully complete. But, each and every day, keepers make progress with learning to unlearn. We have to work diligently to keep our minds open and our hearts receptive to the positive messages that we missed hearing for so many years. We have to let those positive messages integrate into our belief system just as we had always allowed the negative messages to do.

Keepers spent years saying to ourselves “we are not bad”. The truth is that phrasing did little good for our system because it contained the same words we were trying so hard to unlearn. Slowly, we learned to tell ourselves that “keepers are good” which was a brand new concept (without any of our old negativity) for us to focus on. Also, keepers stopped waking up in the morning and telling ourselves that “nothing bad will happen to us today.”  Instead, we assure our system that “this day will hold only good things for us.”  A slight change in how we say things that takes the negative out of the equation and our thoughts. For keepers, learning to unlearn how we phrase things was one of the greatest lessons in changing our lives. Again, I can not explain this well but changing our wording brought keepers to a place where we do not simply accept disaster in our lives. Instead, keepers shut up and work together in conquering those things that once made our JM believe that keepers just could not catch a break in life.

In today, keepers believe that we are good, decent people. We wake each morning knowing that we are human beings and deserve all the good that comes with that. We try hard to not look back at how we once saw ourselves but are still learning to unlearn old habits so sometimes blogs like this one need to be written to get the thoughts out of our heads so that keepers can know that changing our thinking really and truly has changed our lives.